Fade to Black 1 of 4 (Dr. Brent Lindquist)

Hello again.  This month I'm going to be working on a different series and it's a series that is based more on a case.  In other words, somebody who has communicated with me.  I did this a few months ago and it seemed to work well.

This time I don't have a big letter to read, but I do have a series of vignettes that I want to talk about.  I'm calling this Fade to Black because it has to do with the whole issue of depression, depressed feelings or things that people don't really know what to call. It came about because somebody was talking to me, a person that I value greatly, and this person said, 'I just feel black inside.  I don't know what's going on.  I just have nothing there.'  Now this was in context of a situation where there were some problems in the past. There were a whole bunch of things like work, stress, workload, additional responsibilities, a little bit of conflict...  All of that worked out to produce in this person that feeling of being black inside.  In another vignette, someone from staff had been through a really difficult time with one of their children.  I said, 'How are you doing?'  and they said, 'I'm okay now.'  That 'now' was really meaningful to me because it hit me that I might not have been around enough when they were not okay.  Then a third thing was related to a conversation I had with a family member who was in school and was feeling badly because other people were getting on with their lives more and really struggling with things in not knowing what was going on but feeling stuck.  This 'stuck, black, okay now' kind of stuff is what I want to talk about in this series.

Today I want to work on the idea of - what is going on?  I want to look next week on - what's inside the 'black' (as I call it)?.  The third part of the series I want to talk about - do I need help?  ...and the last is kind of looking at some next steps.

I want to tell you that if you're really feeling black inside, if you're really feeling dark and if depressed is a good word for you, this isn't meant to be something that will take care of everything but this is a process.  It is probably the beginning step of a process for you to think about what your next steps are.  Now in getting back to feeling black inside, most of us can feel like this regularly. Indeed, some of us feel at times that we wonder if we aren't going crazy, as we'd say in North America .  I would respond, if you're feeling kind of anxious about that, first of all, 'No. You're not going to go crazy because of a very important thing.  That is that you ask the question'.  If you say, 'Am I going downhill?'  Yes, you might be travelling downhill but if you are self-aware enough to ask about how you're doing and draw that out to some conclusions, that may not be where you want to be but at least the fact that you're able to talk about it means that you still possess the motivation and gumption to do something.  I want to put a little positive spin in the middle of all of this and say that it might be okay to be feeling this way.  I'm not afraid of feelings.  Well, I probably am more afraid to feelings than I want to admit, but when I'm doing a radio program I probably don't see myself as very afraid of feelings.  Don't you feel that way at times?  I'm not afraid of the impact of looking at our feelings on us.  I think it's good.  I think we're at war with ourselves a lot in some ways, all of the time, probably.  It's difficult because sometimes we're not able to acknowledge this and sometimes we're afraid to acknowledge it.  I want you to think about one thing.  'If I'm thinking this way, I'm aware of it and therefore I can work on it'.  Whether it be guilt over the fact that I feel bad, shame over the fact that I feel bad and other people who've been through similar things don't, anger at myself for feeling bad, anger at other people for being part of the process that got me this way, frustration over how I'm doing, comparing myself to others, ... , all of these things work against us and make us at war with ourselves.  If we've started the first process of thinking about it, however, and being willing to acknowledge it, I think that's the first step towards getting over it. The first step never really feels that great.  First steps usually are tentative, careful, a lot of anxiety around them and a lot of pain associated with them.  A first step on a healing journey does not feel very healing.  You need to remember that.  While I want to be positive about where we're going I want to make sure that you understand that we're not there yet and it may be a while before we get to wherever 'there' is.  If I'm aware of it, that's good.  That's a good first step.

Secondly, if I'm aware of it then I can begin to figure it out.  'How can you figure it out?' you say.  You're thinking, Didn't I just tell Brent that I'm black inside?  there's nothing there?  I don't know what I feel?   Sure, you did but that's the first step at describing and remember what I said about the first steps of healing.  The first steps of describing is often very confusing and it's okay to not know exactly.  I think we will be able to start looking at what is going on.  I must admit that I do work in this area a fair bit and I talk to people about it and so it's kind of easy for me to navigate my way around this. Don't let that deceive you.  Don't compare yourself to me.  Don't think, Wow!  Brent can be so glib with this.  He can just rattle off things, therefore I must be even more weak than I am because I can't even think about those things.  No, I don't want you to think about that at all.  I want you to remember that this is something that I do a lot of.  There are things that you do that I don't know anything about and I can't compare myself to you because if I do, I will end up feeling bad about myself.  Instead of seeing that I have skills that you lack, let's put it in a different perspective.  Let's say I can be a coach to you.  I can be a helper.  I can be a friend.  I can come alongside.  I can be a resource, not that I'm that great, but it's comforting to know that there are people who can help to explain things back to us or give us their perspective so that we don't become so confused anymore.  A lot of times I don't do anything magical or miraculous when I work with people.  I just look at what they're telling me, give it back to them and somehow that helps them make sense to go on to the next steps.

I want you to think about, and this is hard, but I want you to think about some homework.  It's very simple this week.  If this is touching a place that hurts for you I want you to try and keep a log with me or for me for next session that has one purpose and that log is to kind of identify what the 'black' might be.  You say, 'Well that's easy because I have no idea what the black is going to be'.  Yeah, but tomorrow you might think,  'Oh.  I'm sitting here and I'm so angry over what happened to me two weeks ago that I'm shaking. I've got to write that down'. That's a good one for the log. Or, 'I was sitting here watching a television show and I just was crying'.  Or, 'I found myself waking up at night and I knew what I was dreaming about'. Those are all things that you might want to just write down and think about.  Don't think about them too much, but at least enough to write them down because we're going to talk about that next time.