Fade to Black 2 of 4 (Dr. Brent Lindquist)

Hello again. Welcome to the second in my 4-part series on Fade to Black.  What do you do when stuff doesn't feel right and you're not sure?  Last session, last program I talked about thinking about creating a log of 'blackness'.  In other words, I encouraged you to think about the fact that you would come up with some ideas about what that 'black' was throughout the week.  I asked you to keep a log of that and hopefully, if you are struggling with this, you did and you got some situations.

Today I want to look at what is inside your 'black'.  What is there?  I can't read your log, but I can give you some ideas about what I think could be in there.  I think first of all, we have a whole range of feelings that float around in this 'black'. One big one for many people is embarrassment.  Embarrassment about what?  Embarrassment that I've got this black space, this black part inside of me.  What if somebody finds out?  What if it really proves that I am weak?  Many times we have different responses to things and something that I may sail through may make you very depressed whereas something that makes me very anxious you may think wasn't a big problem.  We get embarrassed because we compare ourselves with other people.  If embarrassment is one thing, that's a good thing to be in there because a lot of people have that.  Now if you're thinking, 'Oh I didn't have embarrassment.  Maybe I am embarrassed'.  Well, that's okay but my goal here isn't necessarily to make your list longer.  I may identify some issues that were on your list.

A second feeling that frequently is in the 'black' is anger.  The anger goes in multiple directions.  It goes inward and we're angry at ourselves for failing in some way, for having this 'blackness'.  It goes outward when we're angry at other people for not understanding our pain.  A lot of times spouses get caught up in that. We expect our spouse to understand us. After all, we've only been married for 30 years or something... 'If you really knew me, you would know exactly what is going on'.  But, we don't and we probably never will know everything.  It's also anger at others who may have been part of the problem. Oftentimes after a major conflict you get a black feeling inside and you find that it's hard to not feel bitter at the circumstances or the other people.  Or, it's hard to not be angry at them.  That's one thing that is really a big part of 'blackness' for many people.

Another one is fear. This fear or anxiety is a desire not to look at what the 'black' is.  'I don't want to know'.  I think ignorance is bliss, as the saying goes.  Some of us feel inside - If I really looked at it, I might not like what I see and I'm not sure that I'm ready to understand myself in this way. I don't think I can take the truth, we kind of tell ourselves.  My question to you on that is - How do you know that's the truth?  It may not be.  It may be a distortion. I will get on to that later.

Another thing is that we're anxious or fearful that this 'blackness' or what is in the 'blackness', or hidden by the 'blackness' will get out of control and then we'll really be in trouble.

Finally, on my little list, is just plain depression.  Pure, unmitigated, down, down, down, down, depression.  That could sum up all of this stuff.  I only came up with five things.  Does that mean that there is nothing else there?  No, and I'm sure that you're probably thinking that there are a couple of issues that are on your list that aren't on mine.  Maybe some of what you wrote can fit on my list. The goal isn't to show you that I can come up with everything that's on your list.  The goal is to give you some ideas as you continue to understand what is on your list of what is inside your 'black'.

What do we do with that? We're feeling 'black' inside. Thanks to Brent, we've made a list and now the list seems overwhelming.  I had better rescue this situation quickly, shouldn't I?  I'm not sure I can.  Once again, remember that I go back to that first step, the first few steps of the healing journey that you're on are not going to feel that great. Understanding things may make them worse, or feel worse at times but that's part of the process.  Think about it as when you sprained your ankle or broke your leg or something.  When you first got your cast off you were very weak and it seemed like just the exertion made you feel worse.  It hurt more and all of that, but with careful application of good physical therapy concepts, strategies and exercises what happened?  You got stronger but it didn't mean that it still didn't hurt like all get out in that process.  This might be a little like that.

I do have one thing that I want you to think about doing as a result of this.  One of the problems with all of this stuff in the 'blackness' is that as we avoid that stuff, the  avoidance starts generalizing to our whole life in general.  While we may have been upset or frustrated with particular people, the less successful we are at understanding our 'blackness' may make us not want to be around people at all.  That is probably not a good thing especially if you're living around family members. First of all, if they're in your house it's going to be harder and harder for you to avoid them at all costs. You have to come out of the bedroom sometime.  On the other hand, if you have extended family around you those people can be some of your really good resources.  Now, if you don't have extended family don't be telling yourself that you don't have resources because you have resources amongst your work team, other friends, etc. To get away from this generalized avoidance I want you to think of two words - positive substitutions.  That's a fancy way of saying - can you do something positive to replace the negative?  That means that while you don't want to be around particular people, can you be around other people?  While you don't really like to do a particular thing because it's painful, can you do something else that's enjoyable?  Can you think about something that is more pleasant to you rather than focusing on the thing that is making you feel worse?  I think about a conversation my wife and I had with my daughter a few days ago.  She had been kind of frustrated about things and in her situation she was trying to study for finals and she was really talking herself into a bad place about her ability to study and concentrate at the moment and her feelings of frustration. It was really special for me to see her want to talk to us about that because she lives far away.  She chatted on the phone, talked about a lot of things and through that process she and my wife discovered that she was feeling pretty upset and angry about some particular things.  They decided to do something different.  In her case, she had a little apartment and right outside the apartment is a little pond.  She grabbed her camera, took a half hour to go out and just see what was out at the pond. The reason why this was important for her is that she is kind of an artsy person and she wasn't doing artsy stuff right at the moment and we know how important it is for her to have an artsy outlet.  Taking a camera and going out and doing some pictures was important.  She called a half hour later completely feeling different. This is a true story.  She had gone out there and discovered that it being springtime, there were some ducks on the pond and there were some baby ducklings that had hatched that week.  She was able to sneak up and take some pictures.  That focus on doing something creative took her to a totally different place. It allowed her to not be so focused on being angry and upset or hurt.  It allowed her to not focus on the 'blackness' of studying for finals and it gave her the perspective of moving on.

I want you to list 4 things that are positive that you can do this week.  Then I want you to do them.  Tell yourself that this will make a difference because I think it will.  It really will.  It does make a difference even though it feels dumb and artificial and fake.  Doing those kinds of things can be very positive. I'm hopeful and excited for you as you try and figure this out.

Talk to you next time!