Fade to Black 4 of 4 (Dr. Brent Lindquist)

Hello again.  I'm back with my 4th program in a 4 part series that I've called Fade to Black.  I called it that because I'm trying to look at that 'black' stuff that sometimes sits inside of us that we don't know what to call, we don't know what to label.  It can mean many things.  We've said that it can be a whole variety of feelings, it can be related to situations, it can be related to relationships...  We talked about putting in positive substitutions for it and last time we talked about what to do if you really need help.  I hope that if you really needed help that you're getting it.

I'd like to talk today about  - well, now what?  Where do we go from here?  So what do I do?  Brent, you've opened up this can of worms, if you will, and now what do we do?  How do we get them all back?  Well, I want to talk about a couple of things that I may have said before.  First of all, about the way that change happens.  Change happens in small steps.  There are very few things that happen in major leaps.  Change happens in small steps because we make those steps. Now sometimes we may not be in very good shape and we may not be able to make the kinds of changes that we should be able to.  That's okay. That's why I say you need other people. We can make small steps, small changes, if we think about them perhaps in a little different way.  I think we need to look at making symbolic changes. For example, if you're feeling overwhelmed you're probably overwhelmed in every area.  If I were to come into your house where you live and you're feeling overwhelmed and we looked around, I'd probably see that the car was a mess, the house was a mess, the closets were packed with things and there was just stuff that needed to be cleaned out.  Now sometimes people aren't that way, but oftentimes what we feel inside is reflected outside.  A symbolic way of looking at the out-of-control thing is - okay, now let's go clean something.  How does that make sense?  Well, it gives us a little bit of control.  Go clean out a closet.  Well, my closets are a mess.  That would be overwhelming for me.  Clean out your office.  Oh my goodness, that would be completely overwhelming for me.  I've got stacks of stuff everywhere.  Hey - we're talking about you, not me.  Clean out a drawer.  Well, if a drawer is too big clean out your wallet.  Keep going down from there if the stuff is too overwhelming. My point is, do something in small steps and see if it will make a difference.  Before I talked about my daughter going and taking pictures. You're thinking, 'What kind of a difference does that make?'  You know what, it got her mind off her studies, she enjoyed her time outside taking pictures, she thought about what she could do with those pictures and before she knew it her whole framework had changed.  'Well, I can't go out and take pictures because it's snowing here...it's too windy...I don't have a camera'.  Well, okay.  It's not about taking pictures.  It's about doing something.  If you can't take pictures, paint.  Draw. Doodle.  Do whatever it is that gives you a change.  I know sometimes when I'm trying to work on radio programs, writing, working on curriculum or presentations I get to the max.  So I'll go out to where I have my guitar and I'll just sit there and fiddle with some chords, hum a few things, maybe sing a couple of songs.  Give me 10 minutes of that and I'm in a much better place and I can get back working on things.  The issue is not what you're doing, the issue is that you're doing something.

As you do small steps, the goals that you set need to be small too.  They need to be things that you can achieve because that gives you a little bit of sense of control.  The problem with not knowing how to describe that 'blackness' that started this whole program off, is the not-feeling-like-you're-in-control.  To a certain extent, what little control you can give yourself can really begin to help and over time that little bit of control becomes a little more controlled. You cleaned out your wallet.  Wow, then you cleaned out a drawer, wow.  Then you cleaned out the closet.  That makes a difference.  It's easy to be overwhelmed in these beginning stages but you can see some things happening.  Don't be afraid in all of this to give yourself a break.  Take the time to do what you need.  Some of you may be in work environments where you don't believe you can take the time.  That's where you've got to talk to your supervisor.  That's where you've got to see if maybe you can have a little bit of time off.  Sometimes we can be flexible.  My wife teaches school.  She has a couple of days a year of personal time.  She can take it off and nobody asks any questions when she needs a breather. She's not very good about doing that, but she does have that space.  At the same time, if I'm really stressed out I try to do something different for a while. Give yourself permission.  The world probably isn't going to end if you get off task for a while.  A lot of times people who are in the middle of something big may not be able to change or to stop.  You're going to have to evaluate that yourself and then you're going to have to evaluate that with somebody else like your supervisor.

That about finishes up what we've been talking about.  I have to admit that this is a hard topic to talk about because you just can't fix all of this through radio.  You can start doing some positive steps but it's not like radio substitutes for everything that happens in a personal, face-to-face relationship.  I hope this has somehow helped you think through some things.  Let me recap. I talked all this month about the 'black' inside of you.  That was the metaphor that I was given by somebody who just said that they felt black inside and they couldn't figure out what it was.  I've called it many things.  I've called it different kinds of feelings, attitudes and we tried to come to some understanding of some things might be done about it.  Here we are and if you've had a chance to do some things, wonderful.  I hope you've made some first steps.  If you haven't made some first steps, that's okay.  We can keep going and keep working on things but I think it's important to try not to do this by yourself.  Use other people to help you.  Be willing to be vulnerable with them and talk it out.  Sometimes you may need counseling, a therapist like me, and you may not have access to those people easily.  You may need to plan for when you're home on vacation or something like that but it's better to get the help than not get the help because things usually don't take care of themselves.  To try to put this on a positive note, I talked about doing positive things in place of the negative feelings and that sometimes that helps. Sometimes it helps more than we realize. The critical factor is having you do something.  I don't want you to sit there and feel like you have no control.  I'd like you to be trying to do something.  The other thing, though, is that it's okay to take a break. Take a break, relax, give yourself the benefit of the doubt.  Give yourself permission to rest for a while.  Sometimes the fatigue is so great that you need to sleep.  You need to rest.  You need to read a book, then ease back into the mainstream slowly.  Be tentative.  Give yourself the opportunity to fail.  It's okay because you learn from the failure and you learn to apply that to the future times.  I hope this has been helpful for you and I hope it gives you some information on how to get through tomorrow in a more effective way.

Talk to you next time!