Marriage 2 of 10 - Commitment (John Wile)

This series about marriage is dedicated to men and women serving their Lord in a country, a culture, a language that is not their own.  Is that you?  We know that your life creates great stress and your marriage will either contribute to increasing that stress and in the process will compromise your ministry, or your marriage will help you to deal with the stress, will bring you great personal joy, will bring praise to God and will have the added benefit that your ministry will be richer and more powerful. 

Though my voice is the one you will hear in this series, the thoughts are from both my wife Kathy and me.  We've spent 26 years in marriage and a few more years than that in various forms of pastoral ministry. During that time, we've learned a lot about marriage.  In this series, we're distilling that learning into what we call the Eight Underpinning Truths. 

Today’s truth?   A Marriage is Built on Commitment.  Immediately you think ‘well duh!’  Now is a good time to emphasize that none of these eight will be new thoughts.  A successful marriage isn't built on some secret.  It's made strong by doing what you already know.  There are two aspects of commitment that we want to emphasize.

The first is expressed nicely by Milocent, Dr. Seuss's elephant:  "I meant what I said; I said what I meant; an elephant is faithful 100%."  There's a human marriage parallel.  I said "I will until death do us part”.  Divorce will never be on my lips.  This is what we call constraint commitment.  The understanding that sometimes the choices we make are binding, that saying yes to one choice means saying no to others.  It is understanding that marriage is a relationship God designed for one man with one woman for as long as they both shall live.  Constraint commitment in marriage is God's command.  We have no option unless we choose to rebel against Him.  Constraint commitment is also God's gift.  Without it we would begin to wander when the going got tough thinking "ah, maybe it wasn't God's will after all; surely God doesn't want me to be this unhappy.  Maybe we just don't have what it takes to stick it out”.  An acceptance of constraint commitment will keep us from this faulty thinking.  Constraint commitment is essential but it's only half the picture.  Think of the difference between these two statements.  Here's the first:  George committed to this project.  He can't back out now.  That's an example of what we've been talking about.  Constraint commitment.  It is very good in it's place, but contrast it with this second statement:  look at George!  He sure is committed to this project.  Meaning he's put all he is on the line in order to reach the goal.  You see this in sports, in business, in the military and sometimes in marriage.  This we call dedication commitment.  I am indebted to Scott Stanley who taught me this concept.  Dedication commitment.  It starts deep inside a person.  He or she is ready to do whatever it takes to accomplish the mission.  No mountain too high, no ocean too wide, no swamp too mucky and you know marriage can get mucky.  Even so, dedication commitment says I will do whatever I can to express love and compassion and understanding.  I will forgive.  I will endure.  I will be creative.  I will be encouraging.  I will serve.  I will seek the very best for my wife regardless of the cost. 

Now please note this well:  in dedication commitment, I do these things for her not because I must, but because I want to.  It is the desire of my heart.  I am called to constraint commitment because I am underneath God's authority.  He says that for as long as you both shall live, and I say "yes Lord"! 

In contrast, dedication commitment grows from the inside.  From my heart I say I want to love my wife with all the strength I have.  You may ask, “What if I don't feel any dedication?  What if I don't want to love my wife?”  Good question!  I'm happy to say there's a good answer.  There is a path that God has given us to follow and when we pursue it we find that God builds dedication commitment in our hearts.  He gives us the ‘want to’.  Perhaps the most poignant expression is in I John 4 verse 19, "We love because He first loved us".  When we drink deeply from the well of God's love for us, we find a spring of living water flowing from our hearts and part of what flows is the desire to care for those whom God has placed in our lives. 

Listen to more of what John said:  "This is love; not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins".  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  This is commitment unparalleled in history. God showing His love for us in this that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  What kind of commitment was that?  Was it constraint commitment?  Hardly!  God answers to no one!  It was purely the commitment of dedication.  It was our Lord saying,  “I choose to love you.” 

If you are feeling a little short on dedication to your wife or your husband, don't try to manufacture it.  Instead drink deeply from God's well of sacrificial servant-love for you.  As your thirst is quenched there, you will find that well of living water rising up from within. 

So I'll leave you with these questions:  What's the state of your commitment? 

Do you need to drink from God's well?  Probably so!  If so, spend a little time on this.  What is it about God's unconditional, sacrificial servant-love that you especially appreciate today?