Marriage 3 of 10 - Respect (John Wile)

This series about marriage is dedicated to men and women serving their Lord in a country, culture, a language that is not their own.  Is that you?  We know that your life creates great stress and your marriage will either contribute to increasing that stress, and in the process will compromise your ministry, or your marriage will help you to deal with the stress, will bring you great personal joy, will bring praise to God and will have the added benefit that your ministry will be richer and more powerful. 

Though my voice is the one you are hearing in this series, the thoughts are from both my wife Kathy and me.  We've spent 26 years in marriage and a few more years than that in various forms of pastoral ministry.  During that time we've learned a lot about marriage.  In this series, we're distilling that learning into what we call the Eight Underpinning Truths.

Today's truth: A marriage is strengthened through respect.  Respect, as we are using the word today, means valuing another person even though he or she is different from you.  Kathy and I learned this one the hard way.  We both tend toward the independent, stubborn "my way is the best way" approach to life.  We didn't tie our marriage knot until after nearly all of our friends, so we had many adult years to become entrenched in our own way of doing things.  We bashed heads right from the beginning, but the crisis was four years in the brewing.  We went to buy shoes for our first child.  We had no idea how different we were.  My approach was to find the cheapest pair you can.  If they happen to fit nicely, that's a plus.  Kathy on the other hand, though she was economical in nearly all her other purchases, believed in buying quality shoes.  That's the way she'd been brought up.  My idea was that cheap rack at the discount store.  Kathy's idea was nothing less than Buster Brown's.  Well tension rose, opinions and anger grew and Kathy burst into tears at South Dale Shopping Mall. We didn't understand then what had happened, but it was the beginning of a journey toward discovery which concluded with the realization that we needed to respect each other.  Kathy expresses it frequently with this simple phrase:  "different doesn't mean wrong".  This is a tougher issue for some.  Those of us who are independent, strong willed or stubborn like to think that our way is not just our opinion or just our personality working itself out.  We like to think that we are really right and that our way is best -- end of discussion.  People like us are often critical whether we actually say it in words or not.  We may hear expressions like these:  You are so judgmental.  You are always trying to correct me.  Why can't I have a different opinion?  Do I have to do it like you do it?

Respect -- it's rooted in understanding that God has made each of us to be different.  As Kathy says, "Look at all the different kinds of birds He has made.  Look at the flowers!  He has made people different too.  We aren't the same.  That's not His plan.” 

I love to watch my wife walk through a flower garden.  Every few steps she'll stop and say, "Oh, look at this one!  I've never seen anything like this.  Look at this color!  Look at the shape of these pedals!”  She appreciates the unique characteristics of each one.  It brings her joy. 

A couple of weeks ago we were walking down a back street in Taibet, Taiwan -- nothing but concrete and neon signs.  Suddenly she said, “Stop!  Look at this!”  There, growing out of a crack in the sidewalk with it's roots in the sewer, was a plant reaching for the sun with (yes) beautiful flowers.  I would never have noticed, but Kathy has a special appreciation for each one of these little guys.  Each one is fashioned by the Creator to be just what He wants it to be.  Are you married?  If so, then your life partner is one who, just like the flowers, has been fashioned by the hand of God.  As David wrote in Psalm 139, "You created my inmost being.  You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful.  I know that full well!"  Wow!  There's something else.  Something that's not true of any flower.  You know that life partner of yours?  your beloved?  He or she has been made in the image of God.  Yes, that image is not perfect any longer.  It has been tarnished by sin.  We are, as the apostle Paul said, clay pots but these clay pots -- every one of them still bears the Creator’s picture.  I do and Kathy does!  You do!  Your beloved does.  Respect is rooted right here.  Respect that will show itself in appreciation, honor, wonder and awe!  Words of criticism and judgment just don't belong.  Do you remember what James wrote?  They are sobering words written of those who didn't understand respect.  He said, "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father and with it we curse man who has been made in God's likeness.  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.  My brothers this should not be." 

Think with me for a moment of the Lord Jesus Christ and the kind of people with whom He spent time.  James and John - the sons of thunder, Peter - Mr. Impulsive, Martha the dutiful, Mary the tenderhearted.  He valued each one, respected each one, and each one bore His likeness.  So do you!  So does that one you live with. 

So one question as we close:  As you think of how Jesus respects and values you, as you reflect on that with joy and wonder, in what practical way could you today pass that respect on to your beloved?