Marriage 4 of 10 - Forgiveness (John Wile)

This series about marriage is dedicated to men and women serving their Lord in a country, a culture, a language that is not their own.  Is that you?  We know that this life creates great stress and your marriage will either contribute to increasing that stress, or your marriage will help you to deal with the stress, will bring you great personal joy, will bring praise to God and will have the added benefit that your ministry will be richer and more powerful. 

Kathy and I have been married for 26 years and we've spent a few more years than that in various forms of pastoral ministry.  During that time, we've learned a lot about marriage.  In this series we're distilling that learning into what we call "The Eight Underpinning Truths".  Today's truth:   "A Marriage becomes a Miracle through Forgiveness". 

Forgiveness -- the greatest gift one human being can give another.  Calling it a miracle is no overstatement.  We might learn to tolerate or to put up with or to endure or to ignore, but to forgive when we have been deeply hurt is a miracle worked by God.  If we are ever to bring this miracle of forgiveness into our marriages, it will only be after first receiving the miracle ourselves from our Lord.  I like the way Lewis Smeads writes it.  He says, "I would know little about the human faculty for forgiving had I not also felt Christ's gift of forgiving love in my own life.  So I thank God for inventing the way to heal the hurts we don't deserve." 

He has nicely expressed both the source of forgiveness and the reason for it.  The source -God's forgiveness.  There is power there.  When I am forgiven by God for no reason except that He has chosen to, I am in profound appreciation.  This gift has power.  It works in me a God-like heart toward others.  Because He has forgiven me, I not only know I should forgive others, but His gift creates in me an actual desire to forgive others and it gives me the power to take the step and follow through.  Twenty-six years ago, as our wedding day drew near, if you had asked either of us "will you need to forgive each other?"  We would have said "of course", but we had no idea then just how much we would need to forgive because of how much we would be hurt.  When you think of marriage, there is no human relationship with greater potential for intimacy and openness and that means there is no relationship with more potential to inflict pain.  Kathy can tell you that her husband (that's me) has done his fair share of pain inflicting.  In our early years of marriage I was harsh, controlling, demanding, and insensitive.  I hurt Kathy a lot!  She didn't deserve to be treated that way.  Emotionally, the battering I gave her caused her to roll up into a little ball.  My behavior was inexcusable, and I suspect if she were to tell the story to an advice columnist today she would be told to dump me.  What did she do?  She stayed with me.  She prayed for me.  From time to time, she would try to tell me what I was doing to her, but most important she forgave me.  By the grace of God, she forgave me.  Now at the time I didn't know I was being forgiven because I didn't realize what I was doing to her.  Nonetheless, she was forgiving.  At the same time, God began working on my heart teaching me that marvelous message from Ephesians 5 that I was to love my wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her. 

By His grace, I began to listen, to understand, to serve, and to care.  We were able to rebuild.  Kathy was able to uncurl from that tight little ball.  Today we have a strong, committed, love-filled marriage, but that would never have happened if she had chosen not to forgive.  She didn't deserve to be hurt and I didn't deserve to be forgiven, but she forgave me and we are enjoying the results to this day.  We've seen forgiveness work miracles in other marriages too -- Christian marriages, missionary marriages; marriages that were so broken through sin that they were beyond human hope.  When forgiveness was brought to bear, it created the potential for healing, for renewal.  These marriages were once a sham, a pretense of unity on the outside while inside there were deep offenses and inexcusable behavior, but forgiveness was offered.  When that forgiveness met repentance it was a wonder to behold - restoration.  If the miracle of forgiveness can bring virtual resurrection to a dead relationship, just think what it can do to a good relationship or a great one.  Forgiveness will take it higher.  I doubt if there's a day -- surely not a week -- that passes where forgiveness is not needed.  I know our marriage needs it and I'm quite sure yours does too.  The strength to do that forgiving one more time, the strength comes from first receiving forgiveness ourselves.  As the apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians chapter 4, verse 32, "be kind and compassionate to one another; forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you".  If you want to bring the miracle power of forgiveness into your marriage, be sure to start by sitting at the feet of Jesus receiving His forgiveness.  Just as it is in our marriages, so it is in our relationship with God.  Not a day goes by that we don't need His life-giving, miracle-working, priceless forgiveness.  A thought to leave you with -- How's that miracle doing in your marriage?  Is forgiveness a constant companion or a stranger?  Have you received a hurt you didn't deserve, maybe an unending string of them?  Have you been hanging on to them, maybe even nursing them?  That means it's time for a miracle.  Lord Jesus bring on the forgiveness!  Bring it to my heart and use me to pass it on.