Marriage 5 of 10 - Communication (John Wile)

This series about marriage is dedicated to men and women serving their Lord in a country, a culture, a language that is not their own.  Is that you?  We know that this life creates great stress and your marriage will either contribute to increasing that stress, or your marriage will help you to deal with the stress, will bring you great personal joy, will bring praise to God and will have the added benefit that your ministry will be richer and more powerful. 

Kathy and I have been married for 26 years and we've spent a few more years than that in various forms of pastoral ministry.  During that time, we've learned a lot about marriage.  In this series we're distilling that learning into what we call The Eight Underpinning Truths.  Today's truth?  Marriage Is Deepened through Communication.  Now, you may be saying, "Communication!  I can't believe he's going to talk about communication", but do you remember a few years ago, one of the best selling books was titled, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.  The book discussed the essentials of life like sharing and playing fair and cleaning up your own mess, things we did indeed learn in kindergarten but which we spend the rest of our lives learning to put into practice.  So it is with communication.  For a generation now most couples have started their marriages with strong communication.  I often ask couples in pre-marital counseling, "What is it that gives you confidence that this relationship is a good choice for life?"  Almost every time the response includes something like this:  "I've never talked with anyone like this before.  She knows more about me than anyone I've ever known.  She knows my dreams and fears, my joys and beliefs.  I feel comfortable with her.  When we talk, the time just flies."  That's the way most relationships start today, especially relationships between serious Christians.  Tragically, within a few years that's no longer true.  Life gets busy -- little children, responsibilities of adulthood...  Long work weeks and for many working in cross-cultural ministry an unending string of people.  We were in a physician’s home in the African bush, waking before dawn to discover that the waiting line was already building.  At another home high in the Andes, there were seldom more than 10 minutes between visitors all day, every day.  Add home schooling and a long cue of emails needing answers and its no wonder that deep heart communication falls apart.  Couples don't intend for this to happen but there's no time.

This was happening in our marriage until a friend put some brotherly pressure on me.  Kathy and I had a busy life and finding time to talk was strained by our different personalities.  Kathy is a morning person and I love the nights, but under that brotherly pressure, we tried having lunch together and it worked.  We would go to cheap restaurants or make sandwiches and sit by the river.  When the children were out of school, we would take them to the park and we would talk while they played.  The only consistent factor was Friday, every Friday all year long.  In the congregation I served, people learned that I wouldn't attend a meeting Friday at noon.  I wouldn't make a counseling appointment then and they would never reach me by phone.  In fact, it got so that when we would meet someone from church while we were out on our Friday lunch date, they would talk amicably for a moment, and then would suddenly remember and say, "Oh, I'm sorry!  This is your Friday lunch isn't it?  Bye!"  We were sharing this habit with a young couple also in ministry, a young couple who loved each other but whose communication was strained by little children and a busy life.  As we talked about our Friday lunches, the wife whispered under her breath so quietly her husband didn't even hear her, "I wish we'd do that just once".  What's the state of communication in your marriage?  Do you break away regularly for time to talk about the deep things?  Do you know what's inside your partner's heart?  We strongly urge you to find the time at least every week when you talk like you used to when the time just flew.  Perhaps you say,  "You just don't understand.  There's no way to do it in our lifestyle".  I want to respond to that with all compassion but also with brotherly pressure and say that I do understand and to be specific I know three things.

1.  I know how impossible it seems,

2.  I know that without sharing your hearts you will grow apart from each other and

3   I know that there is some creative solution. 

We know a young couple with five children under age 7 who every day before supper have couch time.  Their kids know this is time just for mom and dad to talk.  We know another couple with children a little older.  He is often on the road.  She has begun to travel with him and takes work to do while he's meeting with people, but while they're driving they talk.  We know yet another couple, living in the most remote and inhospitable setting you can imagine with so many children their prayer card looks like a village, who have learned to build secret places into their lives.  Suffice it to say, we believe it's possible to find a space and place and we believe it's essential for your survival.  So this simple suggestion to close: if you aren't regularly sharing the deep corners of your hearts, then make some time right now to talk, to brainstorm, to bang your heads against the obstacles until you find the space and the place.