Marriage 9 of 10 - Romance (John Wile)

This series about marriage is dedicated to men and women serving their Lord in a country, a culture, a language that is not their own.  Is that you? 

Kathy and I have been married for 26 years.  We've spent a few more years than that in various forms of pastoral ministry.  During that time, we've learned a lot about marriage.  In this series we're distilling that learning into what we call The Eight Underpinning Truths.  Today we’ve come to number 8, the truth keeps romance alive.  We're talking about the old fashioned enjoyment of man with woman.  The magic moment when together you experience sheer delight.  Everything else slips away, just the two of you.  It's the moment where Hollywood sometimes gets it right: the soft music, all else drifting out of focus, the delight of which Solomon wrote.  ‘The mood’.  The old crooner Nat King Cole sang about "I love you for sentimental reasons".  Every other underpinning truth we've discussed in this series applies to all human relationships between friends, brothers and sisters, parents and children.  Romance is different.  This is the private domain of husband and wife.  Couples heading toward marriage as God designed it will get an early taste but the fulfillment waits for marriage.  Please don't misunderstand.  We're not using the word romance as a euphemism.  Romance isn't the same as the act that consummates marriage.  Romance is whole person, whole life, two people experiencing all levels of oneness simultaneously.  When we first marry, we assume that romance will play a big part in our relationship, but sometimes it doesn't work out quite the way we expected.  I'd like to mention three reasons why. 

The first reason romance dulls or even dies is because you aren't building an abiding friendship with each other.  It's that simple.  If you aren't developing the other truths we've talked about in this series, then don't expect romance to come waltzing by. Romance is the result of a quality friendship, not a cause.  Kathy and I have often said if you are doing the other 7 all you need is some time alone away from the pressures and stresses and usually you'll find romance showing up.  So if romance is a stranger, the right place to start is by asking "is the lack of romance possibly an indicator that the relationship itself needs some major work"?  There is no sense going on until that question is answered, but that's not the only reason romance disappears. 

The second reason -- as husbands and wives we have different ideas of what romance is.  Now I don't mean all husbands think one way and all wives think another.  What I mean is that in each of our marriages there are two people and these two people don't think the same way about romance.  Oh, there are some gender tendencies.  It has been well said of many women that romance begins in the kitchen with their husband listening carefully with patience and understanding.  It has also been well said of many men that whereas a woman can be likened to a slowly warming crock pot, a lot of men are instantly lit up like a blow torch, but I also know men whose wives long for their husbands to be interested in a little romancing, but those guys would rather sit at the computer.  Just last week, I talked to a man whose wife does not define romance by long walks or enchanting dinners.  She responds when he does some chores, mows the lawn, takes out the garbage.  Then she feels close and the stars begin to twinkle. 

So if you find yourselves maybe as good friends but without the pizzazz you once knew, we suggest that you talk about it.  Find a place the two of you enjoy, know the agenda ahead of time and ask one another "what does romance mean to you?  What do you wish for in our marriage romantically speaking?  What small step could I take that you would love?”  Then listen carefully with patience and understanding, ready to learn and ready to act. 

Finally, the third reason might be the life you lead.  You live in a tough culture that's not your own, bombarded with demands from people knocking at your door day and night.  Privacy and allusion and the climate itself may leave you exhausted without a romantic bone in your body.  What then is there for this situation?  All I can say is be determined, be creative and if you have to spend money spend it.  A friend of ours, covered with sweat as she tried to sleep one night in a tropical setting, said to her husband,  "where do the children come from"?  Later she quizzed the local missionaries and got this answer:  "that's what we call a three fan night”.  Thank God for electricity.  Another couple we know who live way out in the bush, no restaurants, no get away hotels, no electricity, very little water, constantly under the watch of prying eyes.  Their solution for romance  -- they built a secret garden -- grass mats for walls, a couple of grape fruit trees in the center and no children allowed inside.  We shared a meal with them one night in that secret garden.  It was one of the most romantic settings we've ever experienced.  A little battery-powered music…a linen table cloth under the stars and the grapefruit trees.  They were determined to create romance and they did.  So, what could you do?