Marriage. 10 of 10 - Final Idea (John Wile)

Well you've caught us at the end of a series that has been dedicated to men and women serving their Lord in a country, a culture, a language that is not their own.  Is that you? 

This particular series has been about marriage, and we've done this topic because we know that the lifestyle you live creates great stress and your marriage will either contribute to increasing that stress, or your marriage will help you to deal with the stress and the complexities of life, with the result that your ministry will be richer and more powerful.  You and your partner for life will have greater joy and God will be praised.

In the previous sessions, we've covered eight essential truths that help build a powerful, encouraging, brightly-shining relationship.  We want to close with one last recommendation.  Kathy and I have been married for 26 years.  It took us about half that time to accept the truth of the following statement:  if it makes it into our schedule it tends to happen.  If it doesn't make it into our schedule it probably won't happen. 

Now for our purposes today we're not talking about scheduling dates or setting a time to go for walks or locking in a time to pray together, although those are great ideas.  What we want to recommend to you today is that you schedule time together to talk about the state of your marriage.  We're not talking about a one time event.  We're talking about a regular, ongoing part of your lives.  We'd like to suggest once a month as a pretty good goal.  Once each month, have a special time dedicated to a serious conversation about the state of your marriage.  Years ago Kathy and I started this habit.  We've loved it and we want to pass it on to you.  I'm going to describe it with just a little detail but not so you can copy it.  We give it to you as an idea to get you started thinking "how might we do something like this?" 

For our marriage meetings, we usually have tried to get away from the house and away from the children when they were young.  That was necessary and when they were older it was necessary too.  We try to find a pleasant place where we won't be interrupted, perhaps for lunch, and there we'll have our meeting which has three key parts: 

Part 1 -- this is simple but we found it essential.  We take out our calendars and schedule the next meeting.  We found that if we didn't put it on our calendars right then we'd find ourselves a month or two or three before we even noticed.

Part 2 -- this isn't necessary anymore but when our children still lived at home we would write down their names and then give ourselves a number from one to ten describing how we were doing spending quality time with each child.  We'd also draw a smiley face with either a smile, a frown or flat mouth next to each child.  This described our emotional relationship.  We did this privately.  No peeking allowed.  I would evaluate myself with our children.  Kathy would evaluate herself.  Then when we were done we would share what we had written and we would talk about it.  As you know the relationship with our children has a huge impact on our marriage relationship, thus we found this essential. 

Part 3 -- This is the heart of the meeting.  We evaluate our marriage.  We each write down five phrases, the same phrases every month, each one a critical part of our relationship.  Then we'd give each phrase a plus, a minus or a zero, depending on how we think our marriage is doing in that area.  Our five phrases for the last 15 years have been:  quality time, conflict resolution, having fun, spiritual relationship and intimacy.   By the way, intimacy is not a euphemism for sex.  It's the word we use to describe a sense of heart and soul oneness.  This evaluating we also do privately until we are finished.  Then we share our results and talk.  When we both have a plus on an item, we simply enjoy it.  When we both have a minus or a zero, we try to understand the problem, brainstorm solutions and seek desperately to stay out of a blaming mode because that never helps anyone.  Of course the most interesting discussions are when one of us has put a plus but the other a minus which happens more often than I'd like to admit.  “Yes,” I say, “quality time is definitely a plus”, to which Kathy responds with incredulity, "Are you kidding?"  I had a minus and circled it.  Obviously some listening and understanding needs to take place.  So, how about you?  ready to try something like this?  Let me suggest that you discuss the idea with your wife or your husband and try it out for a few months.  Tweak it so that it fits your marriage.  Let both of you shape the nature of it - where and when you'll meet and what the topics will be.  Then approach the actual meeting with a spirit of encouragement, kindness, understanding and love. 

We think you'll be glad you did.  Maybe you'll want to use the topics we've discussed during this series for your quiz.  So then you'd have eight items for a plus, a zero or a minus.  Or maybe you'll want to take one topic each month and talk about it in some detail.  There's no required method.  The point is to do something that will help you to work together toward the oneness that God wants for you.  Remember - Jesus prayed for that oneness, that you might know the same oneness that He and the Father know.