Debriefing 2 of 3 (Felix Holland)

What are the Dos and Don’ts of debriefing?  Who can debrief?  And should we be debriefing as colleagues?  If we are in a position to debrief, what are some of the things we want to look at in this?  So who can debrief?

That’s a good question because sometimes we don’t have the safe environment.  We don’t set aside an hour time to talk about deeper issues.  Debriefing happens casually.  It’s like counseling happens casually.  You have an experience, you come home, and you talk to your spouse about it.  Or your kids come home from school.  What do they do?  They talk about the events in school.  My kids, at least do.  They vent and talk, “Oh he was so mean.  How can boys be like this?”  That’s debriefing.  What is my role here?  Say, “oh shut up?”  No, I listen.  “What did you think when he said that?  How did it make you feel?”  Or I just sit there and I listen and sometimes I feel like I’m the rubbish bin for my children.  That’s okay, I’m the father, I’m their parent.  It makes them feel good.  It makes them more relaxed.  It makes them feel that their experience is listened to by somebody else and it is appreciated.

So, who can be a debriefer?  Everybody actually can be a debriefer.  I think there are still certain guidelines for this which quite often when we listen in casual conversations, there is a response which doesn’t support the debriefing.  It rather shuts up the person who wants to share.  Like this whole concept of shame.  We are afraid of opening up ourselves because the other person my react in a way that shames me, that I don’t like because it opens up certain deeper areas of my life.  We all are afraid of being laughed at and being rejected in a way.  That’s why it is sometimes good to be in a safe environment with clear guidelines, clear boundaries.  You can feel confidentially you can open up and you know the other person won’t laugh about me.

So, what are some of the Dos and Don’ts in a debriefing session?  If we have found that safe environment, whether it is a husband/wife relationship, or whether it is a colleague relationship.  What are some of the Dos and Don’ts that create boundaries in a debriefing session?

What I just said, laughing.  You don’t laugh about what the other person says.  You don’t say, “Well this is really silly how you feel.”  You don’t ignore what he or she says.  You don’t give any solutions either.  “Well, in my life, I would have done this.  Or When I was in this situation . . .”   We quite often have this in conversations.  I share something and they say, “When I was that age I had this and this.”  But actually what you want is to be listened to.  Or when a child shares you say, “Your younger brother does it this way.  Why don’t you do it that way too?”  This comparison.  You don’t really do that either.

Another Don’t—You don’t have interruptions.  In this safe environment, safe conversation where somebody opens up, you don’t have your cell phone ringing.  Or there is no e-mailing or anything like this unless it is absolutely important.  It’s like counseling, you have clear boundaries.  It is important to feel welcome, to feel comfortable, and feel safe.  Safety and security prevents us from feeling ashamed of what’s going on.  Especially kids, kids don’t want to open up.  They can really open up their inner life.  Once it is open, it is very vulnerable and you don’t want to pick your finger in this vulnerable situation that hurts.  Then child immediately closes down and is afraid.

Okay, so some of the guidelines of the Don’ts is:  Don’t laugh.  Don’t ignore.  Don’t offer solutions which we often want to do, we want to fix the problem.  Don’t compare other situations, your own life, or children, or colleagues.  Make it a safe environment.  No interruptions.  So those are some of the Don’ts.

What are some of the Dos in debriefing?

I think the main Do is to listen.  You need good listening skills.  One way of doing it is to mirror.  You repeat what the person just said.  “I hear you say this and this.  I hear you say this incident really made you feel afraid.”  So you repeat what the person said.  That way you are on the same level.  You show empathy.  You show I really listened to you.  I really care what you say.  Just imagine you share from your heart and this person really listens to you.  Usually we can’t listen.  Usually people don’t listen to what I say because they immediately think, “In my situation it was like this.”  Just imagine you repeat what you just heard.  Oh, that makes a massive difference.  That helps the person to sort out their own feelings and thoughts, etc.

Then one of the other Dos:  you accept what the other person says.  It is their world view.  Even if you think their world view is wrong or their theology is wrong and your theology is better or you want to discuss this topic about the way they have approached this issue.  You just accept the fact that this is not the time to discuss theology, discuss the way of life.  You try to see the world through the person’s eyes.  That’s very valuable.  That really connects you with the person who you are talking about, who you are talking to.  That accepts what the person is saying.  Comfort him.  If there are tears, if there is sadness.  “I really feel for you.  This really brings tears to my eyes.”  With touch in cross-cultural and counseling situations, it’s always tricky.  I wouldn’t necessarily touch unless you are in a public situation or unless it is your spouse or your own child.  But you can express sort of a touch with words.  You say what I just said, “This really brings tears to my eyes when you say this.  This really grieves me too.”  You show empathy and you comfort.  You don’t solve the problem.  You just let it flow, sort of.

Then in the end, you just pray, you commit all this to God.  Be careful that you don’t preach when you pray.  We like to preach and then we give our own testimonies of how we solved this situation.  Then you immediately shut up the person.  No, you just pray, “Thank you Lord, that You love this person.  Thank You, Lord that he or she was able to open up this way.  What a precious thing to be able to open up that way.  Thank You that You are working in this person’s life.”  Depending on the issues, you can also ask that you don’t sit in the negatives of the depressive and fearful and angry emotions.  Then you can ask, “What did you learn for all of this?”  Then in prayer you can also say, “Thank you that we always learn more about You, Lord.  Thank You that you lead us through the valley of darkness, but there are green pastures in the end.”  These things help relate to the person where you can give the person the feeling that you are able to see the world through his or her eyes.  I think that’s top.

So some of the guidelines for us to remember as we debrief, because we do debrief each other, our colleagues, our husbands, wives, our families.  The guidelines are:  No laughing.  Don’t ignore.  Don’t offer solutions.  Don’t offer comparisons especially with our children—brothers and sisters did this or your brother did this.  A safe environment.  No interruptions.  Possibly even making no notes, if it is a colleague, keeping it very, very confidential.

Some of the Dos:  Listen.  Repeat what the individual said.  Be empathetic as you listen.  Accept what they say.  They are coming from a different world view, a different angle and it is okay.  Comfort with tears and sadness at how they feel.  At the end you said offer it in prayer.  That is really true being able to lay this before the Lord.  We are not using debriefing as a time to solve problems.  It is a time to share.  We do it every day.  It is very, very important for each one of us to do this with the people that we are with.

Thank you very much, Felix, for joining us and for encouraging us as we minister together.