Debriefing 3 of 3 (Felix Holland)

We’ve looked at when debriefing should take place before and after a transition, during or after a critical incident where something has happened, possibly trying to do debriefing every six months or regularly allowing us to talk about our situations.  Debriefing each other, how as friends, families, and colleagues we can help each other in debriefing.  But today, I’d like to look at what specifically we need to look for when we are maybe in a transition period and needing a more in depth debriefing.  We are looking for a counsellor to help us in our transition and go through debriefing.  What are some of the key questions and topics that you feel need to be addressed in a good solid debrief?

Quite often there is no set framework for overseas workers to talk about how they are doing and how they are feeling in different areas of life.  I personally appreciate this.  I go to a debriefer and he or she asks me specific things, like for example:  my organisational issues.   I have tension with my organisation and I have problems.  Who do I talk with about these problems?  If I talk to someone within my organisation, he’s part of the system so that has a certain dynamic which can be negative, so he cannot be really objective either.  I talked to my boss, he has a certain perspective.  I talk to my wife, she has a certain perspective.  So how do I best get a more objective perspective on situations?  I need someone who is skilled to ask questions, who is able to see the world through my eyes, or at least tries to, and then asks certain stimulating questions.  Then in the area of organisational issues, if you don’t know the person who comes to you, you ask, “Where do you work?  If you have a job description, share a little about your work every day.”  And then a sensitive debriefer will pick up certain things.  You have to listen really carefully.  You hear certain side sentences that indicate emotion, that indicate anger, quite often it is anger.  Well, he did this and this and I put my finger on this.  You ask deeper questions to draw out some more from the talker.

So organisation is one.  What are some of the other areas?

Relationships.  All areas of relationships.  We are relational people.  You have relationships with your spouse, to your children, to your family, neighbours, within your organisation, within the ex-patriot community, and then with people back home.  Some of the relationships may be key and positive and really stimulating you, really encouraging you.  Some of the relationships can be a real pain, challenging, and there are difficulties with parents, or grandparents back home.  Maybe they are old and need to be cared for.  Relationships with your neighbour.  In Chinese houses you have neighbours up and down and there is hammering and loud music and movies going on.  Those relationships can be very stressful, but maybe there is no one you can talk to about them.

Another area is your physical health.  In the day-to-day life, we try to avoid talking about weak issues.  You don’t want to be weak.  You want to be strong.  Your company pays a lot of money for you or you have high expectations on yourself, so you don’t want to admit there are weak points in your life.  In a safe environment you have a chance and you have to make a decision, yes I will talk about those weak points in my life.  So if the person asks you specific questions:  “So how is your health doing?  Do you drink a lot of coffee?  What about wine and beer?  Any drugs?  Is your heart okay?”  You just check certain body questions.  First you figure out as a debriefer, is he or she willing to talk about physical issues?  If yes, then you can ask certain questions.  Your sex life—that’s another area where you can ask specific questions.  “Is it healthy?  Is it good?”  Just to raise this topic.  Because usually after church or after a seminar, you don’t talk about your sex life, but in a safe environment, you have a chance.  Once the question is out, you have to make a decision, yes, to talk about it or no, I’d rather live in denial and push it in the dark corners of my life.

So we’ve talked about the physical, now what about the psychological?

Psychological—that is also very important.  How is your emotional well being?  You get up in the morning and you’re fit and you are motivated or you are depressed, you are angry, you are sad.  Different emotional parts—guilt is another one.  You are driven by guilt and that motivates you in a negative way.  Usually we don’t really think about these things.  We don’t talk about them either, but once the question is out, it gives us a chance.  “Oh this is an interesting question.  Let me think about this.”  Then your mind is running and you think that “Actually I feel guilty, yes, actually I’m very sad.  I’m very sad that I live in Shanghi and my parents are I don’t know where.  I’m not there to care for them.  I feel guilty.”  There are Asian cultures, Asian people who live overseas, they have a very strong family commitment, family system, and they leave their parents to go overseas and there is always a feeling of guilt.  You usually don’t talk about it.  Maybe in your personal quiet time you prayed about it and it is good to talk and get something going verbally.

Another area that is part of debriefing should be support.  Some people are on a payroll.  They receive a regular salary, which is good. Some people, especially those with NGOs, they are on a support system of friends who give money or churches who give money and they never know how much money is in the books at the end of the month or in the beginning of the month.  So that has a certain stress.  Some people are scared to talk about this and it’s a laudable thing to say, well, I never have money.  These things are planned and I don’t know how I’m coping.  There is a feeling of guilt and a feeling responsibility and a heavy, heavy burden on people.  It is good to ask these questions and to share it and to pull it out and to have somebody to talk about it with.

And last, but not least, it is the spiritual side of things which for Christian workers is very important.  Quite often the Christian workers go out to another country because it comes out of their relationship with God.  And then the relationship changes because of stress, because of certain events and they feel like they have lost faith, they have lost their calling.  They have lost different things.  They are not sure if they are still saved or if they are still having a relationship with God.  At the same time there is pressure from people back home who have certain expectations.  So to talk about those expectations, to talk about your relationship with God just reminds me of a conversation I had with a person.

A young person who comes from the southern U.S. states who lived in Asia.  His whole theology sort of changed.  He was questioning himself, “Am I still a Christian?  Compared to the people back home, I’m not a Christian any more because they have certain laws and regulations and concepts of God that I don’t have any more.  I’m surrounded by Christians who have different value systems.”  So he was very confused.  So I debriefed him and asked, “What do you think about this?  What do you think God thinks?”  Just to get him into a different view of things.  “What do you think God sees?”  Sort of look at the world through God’s eyes, to get him to the point where he can see that the situation solves itself, unravels itself.  That was very good and I think debriefing is a great tool to address different areas in your life to get things out.

That’s very important for you to say because often we hear that debriefing has such a negative connotation to it and you are saying this is an opportunity to grow, to improve, to move on, to be challenged.  So some of the things that we can expect to be asked about is organisation—the good, the bad, the ugly of the organisation that we are in.  Our relationships—our close relations of immediate family, friends, colleagues, those that we are around.  Our health issues—not something that we often think about.  I don’t think any of the debriefs I’ve ever been in had health questions asked.  Although I understand how important that is because if you have aches and pains that you often live with daily, you need to know what is causing them.  Our psychological, our spiritual, and our physical support, our financial support, our physical environment support.

So thank you very much today, Felix, for joining us, for talking about debriefing.  Do be encouraged if you are looking for or are about to go through a debrief and look at it, as Felix said, as a positive opportunity to grow and develop and to improve ourselves in the things we’ve been called to do.