Male Friendships 2 of 3 (Rick Sessoms)

If you're a man, do you see yourself as a rather tough guy able to handle about anything?  or are you willing to be a bit more vulnerable?  Hmmm…not sure you want to admit to either?  Well, we'll talk about this today on MemCare by Radio.

Welcome to another edition of MemCare by Radio!  I'm Scott Hollinger and with me today once again is Dr. Rick Sessoms.  We often see portrayals of men as tough guys able to handle the pain or go it alone.  The men we see in the movies are often not in touch with their emotions because they either don't have them or don't need them.  (Laughter) I think most of us are familiar with that portrayal, but I think we can understand that this is just not true.  Today we're going to continue our series on the need for deep personal relationships among men.  Our last time together we looked at the biblical basis for this need for intimacy among men, and Rick, I think there's no question that many men lack close friendships with other men.  You know, the questions that I've had since we talked the last time are - How did this breakdown occur?  What are the reasons?  What goes on behind that?

Well, again, as I said in the last session I'm not a clinician per se.  What I'm sharing today is a result of a lot of personal observation as a pastor and working with a lot of men.  I think there are several reasons that I've observed why men tend to lack intimacy; why I tended to lack intimacy during the years gone by.

The first reason that we aren't intimate, it seems to me, is that we have a primal fear of failure.  Counselors that I've read tell us that the predominant fear that women have is the fear of being uncared for, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of losing security and safety.  But, the cardinal fear for men is this fear of failure, and I struggle.  Why is that?  It seems that from earliest childhood we're taught to be ‘functioners’.  We're taught to be strong.  We're trained to be winners, particularly, I think, in western society.  When functioning is the key to a man's value it necessitates that each of us becomes an island unto himself, for to function, to be strong, to be brave, means that I can't possibly tell you how I'm really getting on.  I think we learn this early on.  I think one of your examples from another program was as a little boy when I fell off my bike (for example), and skinned my knee.   I wanted to be a man, but I remember to this day that when I fell off my grandfather was standing there and he said "don't cry boy; be a man".  Of course I wanted to be a man in front of my grandpa and so I learned not to show my emotions -- at least not in public.  And then I remember I was playing little league baseball and our team was losing 3 to 2 and I was the last batter.  I struck out -- in three straight pitches, I might add, and I wanted to cry.  I was told by the coach, "Keep your head up.  Never admit that you've been beaten."  By the way, the coach was my father.  Well, after those childhood years then come the teen years.  A girl turns her back on you or you lose out in a sports competition or get cut from the team, but you never let anybody know you're hurt.  So we boys grew to be men with subtle messages along the way which told us that a successful man always, always operates from strength.  So, we're taught to be functioners, and I think failure is the greatest sin that a man can commit and that really hinders intimacy.  But here's what happens, I think, when we get older…  One psychologist (I think it was Carl Yune -- theologian psychologist) said that at about 40 years old a man changes, and I notice this in me.  He changes from being a functioner to having a greater desire for intimacy.  But, guess what? About the same time the woman is (if it happens to be the wife) changing from being intimate to having a need to be a functioner.  And if that intimate relationship seed has not been developed when these changes take place, a man and wife can become like two ships passing in the night – it leads to a lot of affairs and failed marriages.

Another reason that intimacy is difficult among men, I think, is because no one was intimate with us in our early years.  I think if a poll was taken among the men who are listening to this program, the statistics report that at least half of us would probably relate to this – ‘when I was a boy my father found it impossible to affirm me or find anything good about me’.  I don't know what your experience was, Scott, but I find that among a lot of men.

My experience really was that (and I think I was blessed in this sense) my father did affirm me and I think a lot of it dealt with the fact that his father really didn't affirm him.  My dad was born late in his parents’ lives.  I can remember my dad hugging me, kissing me good night, playing catch with me and shooting basketball.  Even though he hated basketball, he'd be out there shooting basketball.  He also tried to teach me how to fish and I hated fishing.  And today I have a son who loves to fish.  (Laughter)

Well, that's a great example of the fact that you can break this generational cycle, the way that your father broke it from his past and passed on a blessing to his son.  Fantastic.  But some of us would say that I can never remember a time growing up when my father ever reached out and touched me and showed physical affection to me.  I suppose the saddest of all is that some men might say, that are listening, "I never saw my parents express any kind of affection toward one another”.  Well some of these same men that we're talking about will also say that through their teen years they never had anybody share any intimacy with them.  So the result is that growing up with no point of intimacy to the eye, to the ear, or the touch, and when a boy is growing into a young man, he has been robbed of those things that can become a struggle that will last pretty much  the remainder of his life.

There's a third reason.  We’ve talked about this primal fear of failure.  We've also talked about the fact that in our young years, there was no one to be intimate with us.  The third reason that I've noticed this difficulty exists among men is that sometime during childhood or adolescence when a lot of men begin to really begin to trust somebody they get hurt very deeply.  There are all kinds of traumatic experiences that people go through.  I remember one guy in his 50s that I was talking to after I had spoken one time.  He said that all of his adult life he’s had a hard time with intimacy because, he said, “My dad when I was 11 years old, he robbed me.”  He said, “He killed himself and I've never been able to trust another man since then.”

So when these kind of things happen when a man is developing, when they take place in male psyche, there's an intimacy deficit.  And the consequences are not very pretty.  They can last a lifetime and they can have all kinds of dark consequences in our experience as we go forward in our journey in life.

Rick, as we continue to look at this, one question that has popped in my mind is "are we talking to all men - married and single  - or is this primarily applying to single guys?

Well, I think we're talking to all men.  I believe that every healthy male, every healthy man needs intimacy with a male friend to begin with.  I want to say something here that I hope our listeners don't take wrongly.  Men in our society, I think, tend to be in deep bondage in two ways.  One I mentioned is the bondage of loneliness and so the need for a friend.  But a second one is crucial.  It's the bondage of not ever experiencing both the receiving and the giving of healthy male affection.  And that's for all men.  I was in Johannesburg, South Africa a couple of years ago when their national rugby finals were being aired, and the whole country stopped for this event.  It was on two major channels.  I was watching this match on television.  Rugby is a brutal sport -- that I know.  I've never played it.  I don't know whether rugby players are tough, but for two hours or more on that field it was like war.  Pretoria won the match 4 to 1, but what was interesting is when the final whistle blew.  When that final whistle blew, do you know what those winners did?  The players from Pretoria, in the middle of the field with bloody noses and ears that were half ripped off and missing teeth and all that, they piled on top of each other.  They wanted to touch.  They were hugging.  The whole world is watching and they don't care.  They want to touch each other.  These are big strong men.  Now, why is that?  I think God meant us to be that way.  And the world system and our enemy has denied us this privilege.  It has locked us into our male fortresses so that we're afraid in our approaches to each other to let each other know that we're going through a tough time, that we need the encouragement of one another, that we need the handshake, that we need the embrace, that we need the kind word.  We need someone with whom we can weep out our frustrations and live our lives.  So I think all men need these kinds of relationships.

Now I might also say, just in closing, that married people need opportunity for intimacy with their spouses as well.  Now this is a very special intimacy and the one that was specifically addressed in Genesis chapter 2.  Often, though, intimacy with our spouses gets sacrificed on the altar of our work, even on the altar of our ministries. Perhaps some of us would do well to go back to the drawing board and discover ways again to sit with our wives and talk about the deepest things in their hearts.  What it means to be afraid.  Talk about our dreams.  Talk about her dreams, how it hurts to fail, how it feels to be humiliated… Light the fire of intimacy again.

I'd like to thank Dr. Rick Sessoms for taking time out of his busy schedule to share with us his thoughts on the often overlooked need in a man’s life for intimacy.  Now during our concluding program in this series, we'll look at the results of a lack of intimacy between men and Rick will offer some solutions.

You're listening to MemCare by Radio.  We'd like to encourage you to listen to our other programs on the sight as well as check out the other resources available to you.  Our prayer and desire is that these programs are an encouragement for you.