Male Friendships 3 of 3 (Rick Sessoms)

Are you one of those men who finds yourself working till 7, 8, 9 even 10 o’clock at night -- unable to put things down?  Well, I think we have some words that might be of encouragement to you today here on MemCare by Radio.

Welcome to another edition of MemCare by Radio.  I'm Scott Hollinger and with me once again is Dr. Rick Sessoms.

Often the man who works hard and long is looked up to; really almost revered by others.  But is this lifestyle of long work healthy and even necessary?  And what does this say about us as men if we're prone to this practice? What about our relationships?  In past programs with Dr. Rick Sessoms, we've looked at the Biblical basis for male intimacy and the breakdown relationally that leads to a lack of intimacy among men.  And so today we're going to look at the results that a lack of intimacy in a man’s life can bring.  Rick, what happens when we don't have intimacy in our lives?  What are the results of that lack of intimacy?

Well, Scott, the results are sometimes not very pretty.  I think from my own observations, and again I'm not a psychologist or clinician but just in years of watching as a pastor in working with a lot of men, I've noticed that some men will find a way to deal with the lack of intimacy by putting a shell around themselves. (Right) They'll put up a wall and as you've alluded to they work themselves to death.  Now that can be in their vocation.  It can be they pursue a hobby.  They can get involved in golf.  They can do a whole host of things that they can fish themselves to death.  But there's something that they latch on to that they give themselves to entirely, rather than relationship. (Right) They'll take all those energies that could be used for intimate relationships and turn them into some activity.  Oftentimes that's work.  Some men do this for the totality of their lives and they never experience intimacy.  They swear off people.  They become tough.  By the way, these people are often very, very successful at what they do whether it's they become very, very good at a sport or an activity or their work.  They often make work their mistress and they don't need anybody.  Sometimes they run over other people and leave bodies in their trails, and I've even seen this in Christian work among Christian leaders.  They're often unpleasant to be around.  But for sure they get things done and so they're often celebrated, in fact in our Christian circles, because they're so good at what they do.   The other major struggle (and I would be interested in some feedback on both of these) I think of that is generated by lack of intimacy is sexual lust.  When the natural ways of filling up our craving for intimacy are not in place, then unhealthy ways will present themselves.

I can't document this.  I can only tell you by the conversations I've had probably with hundreds and hundreds of men. (Right) The struggle with pornography is huge among Christian men.  Now, I heard a speaker say recently that if you struggle with pornography it’s because you don't know God.  Well, I take issue with that because I found a lot of men that are truly in love with Jesus, that are struggling; they're actually decrying the evils of pornography in public but they're struggling with their own addictions even to it.

Right!  I know that the internet has made that (oh it's been much, much easier -- it's just made huge).  Some have been battling for years and they're breaking their necks to serve God…missionaries, pastors even…and their struggling with stuff is a common problem.

What's the solution to this?  How can a man fight back with any hope of breaking that kind of chain -- that kind of an addiction?

Well I said that I don't necessarily think that it's because we don't know God.  I have a problem with that notion because it is such a vast problem.  I think there are some answers. We've touched on these relationships that we can foster. (Right) We touched on those in past programs.  We talked about the need for intimacy with a mentor which is with a person who can look into our eyes and with a person with whom we can be honest and share these struggles, somebody that we trust.  We've talked about intimacy with our spouses and the need to light that fire of intimacy again with the person that we're closest to -- our wives.  We talked about a need for intimacy with a male friend.  This person can just walk alongside us, we can tell them what’s going on in our lives. He is a person that can give us that word of encouragement that can unravel some of the mystery of being a male; that we can talk about it openly without being locked up inside of ourselves with all these struggles alone.  And then I think the final one that sort of ties it all together is the intimacy that we can experience with our God.  When we have intimacy with Jesus, it really ties all the others together.  Now I've saved the most important for last.  In my own experience intimacy with a mentor, with my wife, with male friends are all great, and I've had all those.  But, I found that they just don't really hang together unless I have pursued intimacy with Jesus Christ.

For in a final analysis, if we go back to the creation account, I think all our intimate relationships are just reflections of the one that we are created to have with our maker and our God.  The Lord has called us to intimacy with Himself and He's designed us to be hungry for deep relationship with Him.  And I think some men know intimacy with their spouses and with a friend, but maybe less with God.  Until this issue of intimacy with Christ is settled then all other relationships will be only reasonably satisfying.  But when the others are strung together with the choice to be intimate with Him I think beautiful things happen.

How can a man increase his intimacy with Jesus Christ?  That seems like a simple question to ask and yet if we're having this issue, what are some answers?  I remember when I was a Christian worker on a very small island that I had a prayer partner and together we not only prayed but we studied the Scriptures.  For me it was a very rich experience.  I have to admit I have not gone back to that at this current time outside of my wife or my family.  I don't have a prayer partner who's a man, and so what are the steps that we could take to increase?  I felt that that provided me with a structure with a framework that kept me in God's word that not only helped my intimacy with my friends Shuji and Mike but increased my intimacy with God.

That's a profound truth.  What you're saying is that having that prayer partner not only helped to have intimacy with a prayer partner but it enhanced your relationship with the Lord Himself.  Also what you're implying is that this requires intentionality.  Without becoming legalistic about the issue, I do suspect that most of us men will need to be intentional about these relationships in order for it to happen.

The other thing that I would suggest that I found helpful for me is to consider praying as listening, not just talking.  You know, when I'm trying to develop an intimate relationship with my wife, the worst thing I can do is run my mouth all the time.  She says, "Will you please shut up and listen?"  A (I've been there, done that) regular conversation at home.  But seriously, intimacy is about listening as much as about speaking and I had a mentor at one point years ago… I want to say this carefully, but he knew that I was very familiar with the Scriptures and had used the Scriptures in my devotional times for years and years.  He suggested I take 30 days and put the Bible aside and just go out and sit on a rock and listen for what God might say to me.  That was a rich experience because it gave me the opportunity to learn to listen rather than just to talk and to fill my mind with my thoughts, or with these concepts, but rather to listen to the quiet voice of God.  So, those are just some ideas, but I think intentionality is a critical issue.

I saw my own father work even though I think he provided a good example.  He, like your father, worked himself nearly to death and wasn't there often for my mom or us kids and so I almost feel guilty if I'm going to go out of my house or if I have a prayer partner.  Part of my issue is the guilt that I have felt.   I want to be there for my wife so that's another concern that I've had - just wanting to spend as much time with my wife and kids and I feel like I'm almost abandoning them if I have this prayer partnership or if I go out to have a male Bible study.  That's always been something that I've struggled with as well.

Yeah, and I can imagine that we'll have to make decisions about priorities in our lives.  But one of the things to keep in mind is that no one person can fulfill all of your intimacy needs.  No, you can't fulfill your wife's intimacy needs completely anymore than she can fulfill yours.  I think this the reason why we're suggesting that a variety of people in our lives is critical and we need to encourage our spouses in that way to pursue and seek these relationships that are important for their journey.

I'd like to thank Dr. Rick Sessoms for taking the time out to share with us his thoughts on the often overlooked need for intimacy in a man’s life.

Thank you for listening.  Our prayer and desire is that this material has been helpful to you.  We encourage you to listen to our other programs on the site as well as check out the other resources available to you.  This is MemCare by Radio.