Relationships: Helping Those in Need (Sandra Auer)

Welcome to another edition of MemCare by Radio.  I’m Scott Hollinger and I’ll be your host today.  There have probably been occasions when someone you know is hurting, perhaps from the loss of a family member or while a loved one goes through a difficult illness.  I don’t know, but perhaps you’re like me and have wondered how you could help people in such circumstances.  I have to admit, it’s not really easy for me.  In fact it’s not a natural thing for me to know how to help those in need.  I tend to be really clueless when it comes to this kind of ministry opportunity.  However, I recently had the opportunity to talk with Sandra Auer about this subject.  Sandra has a lot of experience in Christian work overseas and I discovered that Sandra is one of those people who God has blessed with an ability to know how to provide aid and comfort, companionship, during times of great crisis.  In fact, Sandra used the term ‘companioning’ to describe these opportunities for ministry.  I found the information she shared with me so helpful that I’d like to share it with you.  I recorded our conversation during a conference that both Sandra and I were attending, so it’s not necessarily studio quality, but it is very clear and easy to understand and the information is so good that I have to admit I didn’t want to wait until we could get into a studio.  Let’s start with Sandra sharing how we can companion with a person or family in need.

I’m often asked, “How do you help someone?  How do you help a friend who is in some sort of very hard place?”  This could be either grieving a loss, a significant loss, by death or some other sort of loss, maybe living around the world from parents or siblings.  I think companioning is one of the most powerful things that we can do as Christian friends in helping those around us who are hurting.  It’s easy.  It should be easy.  You don’t have to know very much.  You just show up.  When you show up you don’t have a script, particularly.  You don’t go there to do what you planned.  You come alongside and you listen.  You make cups of tea or coffee or maybe you clean the kitchen up.  You could do a load of laundry.  Maybe you don’t do any of that, but just sit still.

As Sandra and I talked, I asked her to share perhaps a personal example.  She shared a difficult incident in the life of her family and how a friend provided companionship during this time of deep crisis.

I remember a time when I came back from the field in an emergency situation with a sick child and my husband stayed behind with our other children because it was not possible for us to do it together.  When I arrived in the states I had a friend who got me at the L.A. airport, tucked us in her car and took us to the hospital.  She dropped us at the front door and when I got to that unit, it was a very lonely place to be.  The next day another very close friend, or a friend who actually was a ministry partner with us (she supports our ministry) showed up and Joleen proceeded to come to my side every other day for the full 6 weeks that we were there at Lomalinda Hospital.  She did things like read to my son and brought me a cup of tea.  She took my laundry home, washed it and ironed it which was really a big thing to me because I hate to iron.  It was a gift.  She knew how to come alongside and she’s a really big introvert.  She’s not a person who ever stands up in front of a crowd and gives a long message, but she ministered to me in very unique ways during that time.

There were times, other times in my life, when people have done that for me.  I recently had a call very early in the morning.  We had some people coming back from overseas service that I was supposed to be tending that day but I got a call from a co-worker and she was weeping.  She doesn’t weep very frequently.  She was very upset because her husband had just collapsed from what they thought was a heart attack.  I threw my things in the car, headed straight to the hospital, called another person and said, ‘You’ll have to take care of all these other people because I’m going to be at the hospital all day’.  I’m not afraid of hospitals because I’ve spent a lot of time in them and I know the value of someone just being nearby to catch phone calls and get whatever it is that person needs.  In fact, that day one of the silly little things I was able to help my friend with was that she had left her reading glasses at home because she left very quickly.  I actually went with her when she sat at the business desk in this hospital and read the numbers off her insurance card.  There were things like that.  They are silly things, but then there were some not-so-silly things like - I made phone calls to all her children.  I also helped her and her husband, who was communicable at that point, enough so that they were both reticent to let their children know that this event had happened.  I have grown children too and I’ve known the value of those kids knowing about our problems.  I mentioned that that might be useful and I ended up calling their kids and giving them just the sketch of what was going on and then later my friend and her husband actually spoke with them as well.  Companioning is a very valuable commodity and it’s not something you need great skill for.  You just need to be there, be quiet, observe, listen and when you hear a need move toward that need rather than away from it.

As Sandra and I talked, I realized that all of this information was great and would have been very useful had I known it in the past.  I’ve also known people who tend to resist help, especially when they’re hurting.  I’ve never really figured out how I can be a companion to this type of person.  Sandra provided some excellent ideas on how to approach a person who is resistant, especially in those times of crisis.

It helps if you’ve been listening to those people ahead of time and you have some information about their lifestyle, their persona…  If the person you want to come alongside is a very, very introverted and really prefers to be alone, then you should respect that for sure.  As a person who has been companioned, I don’t want 23 people companioning me, thank you very much.  Fortunately, God has made us all very different.  Some people come to the hospital and get your laundry and go away, while other people come and give you a lot of advice that is really not so helpful because they don’t really know what’s going on.  They haven’t listened yet or they want to fix things too much.  Some things can’t be readily fixed.  Ask.  Call ahead, ‘May I come over for half an hour and maybe tidy up your kitchen?’  It depends on what the event is as well.  Sometimes people can respond to that and actually give you something that you can do that would be helpful and others will say, ‘I don’t have a clue.  I’m just too weary or I’m too upset to think that way”.  In situations like that, I might drop some food by at the house.  I may take a gift card.  Sometimes that is easier in certain places than it is in others, but most people aren’t immune to a nice bunch of bright flowers or something to eat that can wait.  All of that counts.  Music is a big thing.  I’ve been given music and I have given music to people.  I just mail it to them.  If I can’t companion them and they’re away, I’ve chosen music that ministered to me or a book.  I handle books carefully because I’m a book person, but I have had many instances in my life when people have thrust boxes of books on me that are of their particular persuasion in how I should handle a particular crisis.  I always think, Oh well, they obviously haven’t gone through a crisis because I can’t possibly touch those books right now.  If I do give a book to someone who is struggling deeply it will be something with not so many words and something that can be picked up and put down.

As I shared earlier, I have found Sandra’s advice extremely helpful.  It did provide me with some steps to take the next time I find someone with a crisis situation in which I have that ministry opportunity to companion.  Sandra offered this last bit of encouragement to those of us who may still be a bit hesitant about companioning with somebody who has a need.

I guess I would just encourage people to take a step.  If you don’t feel ready to actually go and sit or be next to them, just offer some sort of overture.  You could offer a note or something like that.  I think tentative is good, but make the effort.  It will be meaningful to the person who receives it, whether they mention it or not.

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