Dealing Positively with Stress (Sandra Auer)

It’s something that many of us have been taught to believe is somehow the mark of a mature Christian, but according to today’s guest, suffering in silence can block the road to wholeness and good mental health.

As children growing up, especially for little boys, we were often told not to cry when something hurt physically or that, if a loved one died, it was somehow more spiritual not to cry and keep a stiff upper lip.  But, is this healthy or wise?  Sandra Auer of Campus Crusade is back with us today and she’s going to talk about moving beyond suffering in silence to dealing with the crises and hurts of life in a way that is positive and can promote healing.

Sandra, it’s good to have you back with us today and I know that you have a topic on your mind and it has to do with suffering.  One of the things that you said to me is that oftentimes Christians feel like they have to suffer in silence and there are some ramifications to that.  Maybe you can share that with us.

Yes, I do think that occurs.  I think we sometimes have pat answers for things in life that really do cause suffering and it’s legitimate that they cause suffering.  We may tend to emphasize the Spirit-filled life or walking with Christ in a way that is almost unreal for the person who is suffering.  They don’t know how to get there and they may feel like they’re being watched, that they need to somehow at least act like they’re doing those things, when in fact they’re really hurting.  They often get isolated in that hurt.

Now when you say that people have an almost unreal perspective, what are some things that are associated with that ‘unreality’, I guess you could say?

Well, maybe the most common, if you will, is when we lost someone to death; when we lose someone from this earth, either in a timely or untimely fashion, and we have to learn to live life without them.  If those people around us are intent on emphasizing the joy that should be ours in knowing that our loved one is with Christ or is no longer suffering here, if that’s the emphasis that we get from those who are meant to comfort us or stay with us in our own suffering, then we can get very isolated.  We can become very dark in our mood overall because we don’t have a place to dialogue about what we’re really feeling.

In a sense, we come to feel that the person that tells us that we should have the joy of the Lord…well, I know how I would feel.  I would think, ‘You know this person doesn’t get it!’  Am I right in that?

For sure!  I don’t think they do get it.  I don’t know why that’s true because most of us, if we’ve lived past puberty, have lost someone or something that mattered to us even if it was as simple as not getting into the college we wanted, not getting the SAT score that we needed, or not getting into the mission group that we wanted.  They can be big or smaller things, but those are losses that have an affect on us and death has a more severe affect on us even though we may have the perspective that this person is with Christ.  We may have that promise that is a comfort.  Still, we live on this planet and we need to carry on and figure out how to live with this loss and it can be a lonely journey when in fact it doesn’t need to be if we really could come alongside one another.

Now when we think about suffering there are a lot of different kinds of suffering, whether it’s physical or emotional.  What are some ramifications that come about?  What are the results of suffering like this and yet not sharing it with others?  What are some of the things that can occur?

I’ve seen all sorts of varieties of that, Scott.  People can find themselves engaged in behaviours that they wouldn’t have expected themselves to indulge in.  I think of overeating.  We can overeat to the point that it’s really harmful to our health and we may not even know why we’re doing it.  A lot of times it’s about loss.  There are other ways of indulging our emotional needs too.  Anger is another big one that I think affects missionaries just like it affects people who are working outside their home culture in maybe even a greater way than those of us who are ‘at home’.  Anger is a place where we hurt others.  We release our own bad energy, if you will, in a way that really has a negative effect on those around us and I think that for the person expressing that anger, it often feels like a relief.  They perhaps don’t really measure the effects of it on others.  There are other things, too.  People get involved in illicit sexual behaviours or relationships that aren’t healthy and these days, internet pornography is a real problem for people.  It’s very accessible and it provides some kind of release for individuals who are really looking for connection and yet settling for a really unhealthy, self-harming way of going about that.

The things that you’re describing to me right now, Sandra, for the most part, whether it’s overeating – certainly people release anger, engage in internet pornography – these are things that are done by an individual with really no contact with other people other than the anger displayed.  Perhaps we should look at ways that if somebody is really going through a very difficult time in their life, really suffering, what are some steps that they can take that will help move them beyond this?  I guess if they’re recognizing this in themselves then they’re going to need some steps to move them forward.

I think often those negative or self-harming behaviours occur because of our disconnection and I think the very best or one of the very best things a person can do when they find themselves behaving in these ways, or feeling very needy, is to find someone who is safe to talk with or to be with at least.  You may not  want to talk about these things directly, and a lot of people don’t, especially men, although there are women like that too.  Yet, there are ways of being with people that are honest without even needing to be terribly self-revealing and it’s therapeutic just to be with another person in a real way, whether that’s going to a concert,  playing soccer or golf, finding ways to release energy that will be healthy.  Also, it will connect us with other people that are in the realm of people who seem to be healthier, if you will – less negative or less in a zone of suffering.

One thing that I would share with you, Sandra, is that in the organization that I belong to there are people who are not real people-people.  In other words, they don’t make friends easily and it might be difficult for some people to think of anybody that they would feel comfortable going to and even opening themselves up in the way that you’re describing.   Any thoughts that might help that kind of person that says, ‘Wow, I don’t know if I can go out there like that’.

That’s a good question and it sort of takes me down 2 roads.  One is just that realm of professionals who may be available for those special times – counselors or pastors, educators who are used to managing problems that we might choose to go to in a time of real need.  The other thing that comes to mind is just how needful it is, or how important it is, for us to connect with others to establish friendships during periods of less need, during periods when we think we don’t need people, because we do.  We always do.  We certainly will need some connection at some stage of life and others need what we have to offer also.  I think of a family who, when we were living in Africa in the late ‘80s/early ‘90s, came to town and we’d been in this location 8-10 years when they arrived.  They had kids about our age and they made a couple overtures that let us know that they really wanted to be our friends but we didn’t need any friends.  Even though that sounds really crass, we really felt busy and didn’t think we really had the time to invest in another family friendship like they were sort of implying they wanted.  Yet, after a couple of responses to invitations from them, we started making connections that continue now and our kids look for opportunities to see the parents and their kids, and vice versa.  We’re really like family.  But, if they hadn’t persevered, we wouldn’t have the privilege of being able to lean on them when we’re hurting like we have in the last few years.

Sandra, as we wrap up our time today what would you say to that person who has been suffering, that wants to move forward?

I would like to say that if you are struggling with anger that’s hurting others or if you’re using alcohol in a way that is self-harming or involved in any of these other negative behaviours, I encourage you to talk with somehow who you think is safe.  Talk about some more healthy ways of contending with all the struggles you’re having because we really do need each other and these things don’t normally fix very readily unless we’re in healthy relationship with others.

The Psalms are a rich source of comfort and encouragement in how to express our needs to God, move beyond suffering and on to healing and recovery.  The Psalmist wrote in 119:50, ‘My comfort and my suffering is this – Your promise renews my life’.  In this passage and many others we see a crying out to God and the knowledge that even though we do suffer, God is there with us, understands our need and is going to help us, as we allow Him, to move to recovery.

I’d like to thank Sandra for sharing her insights on this subject and I would like to encourage you to take them to heart.