Dealing with Sadness (Sandra Auer)

Today I want to talk with you about a human emotion -- a feeling.  It is a feeling we often avoid.  Sometimes that might seem a healthy response.  There are times however when it can not or should not be avoided.  This feeling is sadness.  Sometimes it is normal to be sad and some things make us sad for a very long time, and rightfully so.  Scripture is filled with stories of people who are sad -- Jesus for one -- He wept over the death of his friend and He wept for His friends who had lost a brother.

We know sadness is not unbiblical, but we don't really like to think of this emotion as a normal part of life, especially of the Christian life.  We prefer to think of sadness as an enemy to be banished or avoided as much as possible.  But there are situations and experiences that warrant sadness, even deep sadness, lasting sadness.

I want to talk about sadness because you might be sad yourself today or you were yesterday and you feel bad that you were sad.  If you are not sad and haven't been sad lately, you probably know someone else who is and you might be wondering how you can help.  I hope you want to help.  As a counselor, I am much familiar with the topic of sadness.  People generally don't make an appointment with me because they need someone to tell happy things to.  No, they're looking for someone to listen to the hard things, maybe even the sad things.  I got an email today from a friend Teresa.  By the way, I'm changing the names.  Teresa told me about a woman in her Bible study (Eva) whose son died a long time ago.  Teresa's email says:  "the other girls in the Bible study and I don't have a clue about what Eva goes through and we don't want to know.  But we want to come alongside of her in her constant and painful grief’.  My friend Teresa said this about Eva, her Bible study member, whose 19 year old son died seven years ago -- seven years ago!  Teresa also said she and the other Bible study members just need this woman to start healing.  I guess it's just too disruptive or distracting for them to have Eva's sadness there among them when they're trying to study the Bible.  Eva is too sad and by their reckoning she shouldn't be.  Teresa's email troubles me.  I wonder -- what are friends for?  And I wonder how many of us feel like Teresa and her friends if we are honest.  We want to come alongside our hurting friend but we don't really want to know how deep and lasting that hurt might be.

Let's talk about what often happens for someone like Eva, and then let’s think about ways to help a hurting friend.  What often happens is that we try to talk them out of their sad feelings, even when sadness makes sense.  We change the subject or we give ready advice.  We try to fix them.  If we are especially impatient, we might urge people like Eva to thank God expecting Him to relieve the sadness immediately -- as if 19 years can be erased in an instant.  We quote Romans 8:28 or II Corinthians 1:3,4 -- you know those passages:  "God works all things together for good for those called according to His purposes, …and He comforts us so that we can comfort others”.  If these efforts don't bring lasting relief, we want our friend to see a counselor or talk with their pastor some more.  Why can't they do something to get past it, to get the healing going so the trauma and drama can be left behind and we can all just be happy again, focusing on God's goodness and the good things He gives us?

Eva's grief is already seven years old!  How long does this kind of healing take anyway?  Surely not more than seven years!  Don't Christians have special resources for this kind of thing?  Shouldn't Eva's heart be healed by now?  after seven years for heaven's sake? Ah, there's the word -- heaven!  Heaven!  I will remind her of heaven.  That should ease her sadness or make it go away entirely.  Doesn't every mother want her son to be in heaven -- at 19?  If so, why did Jesus weep at Lazarus' death?  Perhaps He wept for Lazarus.  He certainly wept for his friends Mary and Martha.  He wept because it is normal to sorrow when a loved one dies.  What should Eva be doing that she hasn't done?  What should Teresa, her Bible study leader, remind her of or teach her to do?  Is there a prayer she should say, a sin to confess?  Is she holding this sorrow, snuggling it too close, treasuring it, adopting it as her new identity in the way a new mother takes a new identity at the moment of childbirth?

We have all had those discomforting conversations with a new mom, right?  She talks to everyone who will listen about this birth, the details, her pain, the wrenching of it all -- everything she remembers and she remembers a lot.  We let her talk in ways that are not really socially acceptable apart from recent childbirth.  She speaks and we listen, knowing this is what she has to do.  She needs to tell about it.  She needs for us to care about this big event that has changed her forever -- this event that matters more to her than anything else.  Time passes and the newborn grows.  The mother finds new things to report and we keep on listening.  Weight, digestion, drool and stools are all presented to us as if they're topics we should relish hearing details of, things we should want to know about.  If the mother is our friend, we do care because these things matter to her.  She reports growth spurts and new teeth and we enthuse with her over these common and exciting achievements of early childhood.

For the mother whose child has died, there is nothing that matters more than this event -- this death, the burial, or the scattering of ashes or the urn on the mantle.  There are happy memories but these are now driven with sadness.  Still she longs to recount the life of this child even if her eyes glisten or overflow as she speaks.  If you seem genuinely interested, if you want to listen, she is glad to tell.  She is grateful too.  Not many want to hear.  They seem nervous, itchy and twitchy to move to other less complicated topics but you are different.  You want to hear about my boy, about my dreams for him and his own dreams and all the things I've saved him from so he could grow up whole and sturdy and ready to offer good things to the world he would live in.  I want to talk about him.  I want to do more than think about him alone with my thoughts.  Most of all, I want more years with him but my best mother efforts cannot change what is real.  He is gone.  Yes, my son died too -- three years ago, and I think I see some of Eva's friend’s response in the eyes of some of my own friends.  They too are itchy for happier topics.  Perhaps like Eva I want to tell them how brave he was, how much he loved life and how hard he fought to live.  It's true he has a heavenly home, but I long for him to have more life here.  I want to know his children and I never will.

I also want my closest friends to be able to hear these things without having to fix me.  This loss is part of me and it is a terrible part of motherhood for many women.  It is a terrible part of being the father for many men.  Many of their friends do not want to hear about it.  They can't bear it.  Neither can I -- I especially can't bear it alone.  On the seventh anniversary of her son's death Eva's Bible study group did a very good thing.  They took her out for lunch and they presented her with a jasmine tree in memory of her son.  They prayed for her that she will begin to heal.  They acknowledged her sorrow by marking her son's death day.  Now if they will only relax a little and let her find her way.  If they will ask her how she is and let her moan a little about being sad or revel in what God has done to comfort her.  If they will invite her now and then to tell a treasured memory of her boy, ahh those are moments of true friendship and Christ-like companionship and they ease the sadness some.

Not all sadness is about death of course.  But sadness is generally about loss.  You live far from many of those who are dearest to you.  You may be the sad one.  If so, please consider talking with a trusted friend or writing out in your journal asking God to put His arms around you.  If your friend is the sad one, would you try to stay with her or him in that sadness?  It is not forever and it has a better hope of lifting if someone else cares, truly cares and says so.